Humor and Rhoid Rage

I’ve always been told my sense of humor is one of my best qualities. Even growing up my Dad told me I didn’t have sense enough to not smile, that’s just how I am I guess. Is laughter the best medicine? Well I guess that depends on several factors, mainly if you have stitches laughter is NOT the best medicine for you.  But laughter can lift your spirits even at the worst of times. Strange how that works, but none the less, it is true.

Just last night me and an old friend, that has known me since I was 5 years old, opinion was that the smile makes people wonder what I’m up to. I have to agree, over the years I’ve had quite a few people just look at me and ask “what are you up to?” I find it rather amusing, even my husband would ask me that same question or he would say “what do you want?” and if I would ask why he was asking his response would always be the same, “then what are you smiling about?”

My husband passed away April 11, 2009, I miss him dearly and that is definitely nothing to smile about. He had a wonderful sense of humor and was always making me laugh. One of our funniest memories was our third date. He invited me to go watch his son’s little league baseball game as a way to introduce me publicly as his girlfriend. Old fashioned you may think, but actually it was because his ex-wife would be there with her family and he wanted to “show me off” to them (and no I’m not claiming to be a raving beauty, but in his eyes I was). Anyways to get back to the story, it was a hot day, but he had ask that I leave my hair down (my hair is very long). We sat down at a picnic table to watch the game and it was rather windy that day, well I noticed him moving out of the corner of my eye and noticed he was just rubbing his nose (yes rubbing not picking).  The next thing I knew my head was jerked towards him rather quickly! The wind had blown a single strand of my hair across his face, and Bobby Gene thought it was one really long nose hair and grabbed it trying his best to not be noticed and, yes you guessed it, yanked quickly as hard as he could pulling my hair and tugging my head over towards him.  When I looked at him and ask him what the crap was that for he literally burst out laughing and he thought it was his nose hair! God love his heart I had to laugh with him, it was just so funny. Needless to say the people there watching the ballgame were all looking to see why we were sitting there laughing till we were both crying, including his ex and her family.  I only wish now that I had written down all of his humorous activities during the 7 years we were together, because he was the funniest person that I have ever known.

Even the first time he was slightly upset with me and he called me a bitch, he was so shocked that I simply looked at him and smiled and said “thanks for noticing” then I called him a brat. He had to laugh and tell me I was one of a kind.  Well I believe I’ve drifted off my original intentions in this blog. But that’s a good thing about blogs; you can rattle on and not worry about it.

Back to my humorous side, I’ve had a lot of health problems over the years. I have to say that pain really isn’t something to laugh about, but it does help with your recovery, at least that’s my opinion. And the past couple of weeks, laughter really is what has helped me the most (excluding the pain pills). One subject very few people will laugh about is hemorrhoids. And I can’t say that I blame them, they truly are very painful and strike you down without warning! If you’re lucky simple medicine treatments will clear them up for you, but if you’re luck is like mine they will grow and grow and grow till you honestly cannot take it no more. Then you have internal and external both at the same time and both bleeding and making you miserable.  So you call up your doctor and tell them you need seen and go for a doctor’s visit.

Well let me say this is really one of the most embarrassing situations to need a doctor for especially that examination. I mean you’re bent over an elevated table while your doctor stands behind you with a light on his head so he can see under the sheet and the next thing you hear is “Oh my Lord”. Well once again I had to laugh, he instantly apologized and I told him it was ok, I had said that multiple times myself when the flare up hit. So next he tells me I have to surgery as soon as possible that it was an emergency situation.

So Friday, I literally had a pain in my ass removed, thus leaving another type of pain in my ass, one that was worse than the original but supposedly will help out in the long run. So now I have to humor myself while at the same time I cannot stand to even sit on the couch. The nurses had all advised me that I want to steer away from any type of foods that would “constipate” me considering the part that was getting cut on. Then they tell you take a laxative nightly and stool softeners to help.  The nurses also warned me that because of the pain pills and often hidden fears of what it would be like to have that first bowel movement (which I will now refer to as a BM) after surgery I still have to go “potty”.

Well let me say this, there was no way on earth any words could prepare me for that first BM. I can’t even begin to put to words what that first BM was like. I’ve considered many different descriptions, such as giving birth through the wrong hole, crapping a baseball, but so far my best way of describing it is having a blow torch fired up and shoved up your own behind flame and all. I know most people have eaten something with hot peppers in it and thought their behind was on fire, but even that doesn’t come close to how bad that first and following BM’s have hurt. It is an entirely new type of pain and one that I pray I don’t have to go through ever again.  And since I’ve been staying with my elderly mother during the recovery time, I was not able to scream out obscenities to help sooth my own mind, I’ve simply had to grin and bear it so to speak.  And because I’m on pain medicine I can’t even use my Jose Cuervo to lighten the mood either, I’ve given it thought to trying that instead of the pain pills also.  And if you’re wondering what type of pain meds its Toradol every 6 hours for 5 days and Vicodin every 4 hours as needed, and boy howdy is it needed!

In closing I have to say that I now have to come up with a new term for people and things that I consider a pain in the ass, because I know now exactly what a pain in the ass is like and there is no one or nothing that so far in my 47 years comes close to this past week and have’n the rhoids removed. But I do believe I’ve found a completely new “rhoid rage” that would cause people to get violent! Never upset anyone recovering from a hemorrhoidectomy, cause trust in me, after that surgery no one has the patience to put up with anything remotely belligerent.

So as a great musical group, The Monkeys, once sang “Every face that I see is all wrapped up in frowns and unfortunately, it kind of gets me down. Laugh, at the things that are wrong. Then laugh.”